Questions (Is it just me, or... ?)

Ever feel like you're messing up everything around you, but you just can't stop yourself?
Ever notice you're not being as kind as you think you should be, but you're just moving to fast to be nice?
Ever feel like your head is too full of conflict to make a proper decision, or to handle important issues, but you have to anyway?
Ever feel like you have no idea what you're doing, but you have to do something, and you have no idea if it's the right thing, but you've gotta do it because it's what you believe in?
Ever feel judged?
Ever feel alone in the world and struggling to keep upright and moving forward, and wishing that someone would hold just hold your hand and tell you you're doing the right thing and to just keep going because that's the only way you'll get anywhere?
Ever feel like maybe you're just really too whiney, and should just suck it up (whatever it is that you think is hard), and just deal with it, and don't complain, 'cause no one wants to hear you complain anyway, and you're just bringing everyone around you down when you do it?

Or like you just want to reach out for help, but it's wrong of you to do so, cause GD-it you should be strong enough to handle your own sh*t?

Ever feel like you just need a hug, or a friend?


I know I never do ;) 'Cause if I did, I'd be weak. And no one would like me.

And there's no point in whining, anyway. Or feeling sorry for myself... it's counterproductive. Then again, contrary to my claims of being superman's female counterpart, I am only human. And while I would really, really like to be one of those people who's all sunshine and flowers coming out of their butt (because EVERYONE likes those people, and let's face it, as much as I say I don't care what other people think, what I really want most of all is just people to tell me I'm good - please tell me I'm good? hee heh, um, yeah. ) I can only maitain that positivity for so long before I too get dragged down by visions of doom and gloom when things start to go wrong.
So while I would like to reserve this location for cherry, chipper, and maybe even sometimes funny posts, I have to be myself and whine, at least a little, at least sometimes, I guess.

But that's enough for now.

I just hope y'all still like me :) <------ hopeful smile

4 2 da floor

Catching Up

Wow oh wow, I just discovered that I can post to my blog from work - woot woot! Now I can catch up on my postings over lunch hour; that is, when I'm not busy emailing ;) What a time-saver... and now I don't have to feel guilty for not updating. Sweet.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I love posting pictures on my blog. I've recently acquired some skills in the self-portrait department; it seems I wasn't properly motivated until just recently. Said motivation has made me see myself in a new light, a light that it is worthwhile to take pictures in, to remember just how pretty I felt becuase of, well, said motivator. You know who you are... well, you better!

But anyway, I recently cleared all the pictures off of my work computer in anticipation of someone else using it in September after I've moved on. I do have some on a flash drive, but nothing current. Boo-urns. Except I did find this one picture of a billboard that I was recently discussing with my apparently better half :

Pretty innocent looking, but when you read the text, you go "Wait. what? Does that mean what I think it means? Tee hee!" Lol. Hence why I took the picture. It's funny though, I noticed on my last trip to Edmonton that that particular mall is still using the same ad campaign, but I didn't see this particular ad anywhere... and when I took this pic, it was right on the front of the mall. I wonder what that means.

I am delighted by things like the ad above... but disappointed by things like it's removal, and what that removal could possibly mean. Does it speak to intolerance? Or is it just coincidence?

What do you think?

I knew it!

Even my horoscope knows about my powers, lol. But it's kinda funny, 'cause here I am at home, all alone... where're my magical connections?

More from Dejah

My sister found a new use for the eyes from Nikoli's googly-eye glasses:

Freaky, huh?

No wonder I can't get anything done... :D

So I was intently pouring over the internet, reading my favorite blogs - From Day to Day, of course, and the bloggess, when my sister started rambling on about something or other, and then I noticed that she was sliding down off of the back of the loveseat right next to the computer and saying something about "no wonder people think I'm weird..." and I was all like "What?" and she was like "Well, no wonder people think I am weird 'cause here I am, perched on the back of the couch like a cat." I totally didn't notice, but that didn't stop me from daring her to get back up there and pose like a model, like a girl on top of a piano or something. She said "Okay, how much?" To which I replied "What do you mean, how much? I'm daring you, not betting-" when she interupted with "oh yeah, I guess that would be a bet.". We laughed, then she actually did it:

Then she was all like "Oh shit! Someone's coming!"

and all I could see was the above blur as she dived away like a coward! Lol, really though, she was a pretty good sport. 

Sketches

Just for fun, here's some old pen sketches I made :)

 



This last one is an image I saw in a dream that really struck a chord deep within me... I'm not entirely sure what it means, though it feels like a symbol of this yearning I feel for change on this planet. I can't really explain it. I intend on painting it one day :)

Old Poems - 2006

1.

sleep
dreamland
why do I persist?
why do I return?
dreamland is heaven
when lucid
waking is such a let down
all they gave, all I got
was this key to paradise...
I'll hold it always.

2.

what is a dream, what is perception,
what can I gain from self-reflection -
is this all just misdirection,
tactics of lust for indiscretion..
or my brain's endless drive to ask a question?

Signs of Spring (YAY!!!)

We went out for a walk yesterday 'cause it's just so nice out these days :) YK is still pretty drab and gray, but seeing the sidewalks and pavement is a definite improvement. Nikoli was happy to run through the puddles; I was just happy to see them. 

Especially this huge one in the back alley, behind our apartment - it's almost a lake! While not-so-fun to navigate, it is a sign that the alley will be clear of snow sometime soon, and that's just great :)

And while there's no sigh of new buds on the trees yet, they just look like this new warmth is awakening them; they seem to stretch a little higher towards the returning sun, gathering the energy to sprout anew. 

Spring!

This is Ember

My teddy. I love her. I name everything important in my life - my plants, my car, my teddy. And my teddy is oh so important. I don't care that I'm a full grown adult; I truly believe that you sleep so much better when you have somthing (preferably someone!) to hold as you do so. And when you're like me, and have immense trouble sleeping sometimes, a good teddy is a God-send. I never had a teddy when I was growing up, except for this little one (it was dressed up a like a train conductor - so cute!) when I was a little one. I received Ember for my 18th birthday (or was it Christmas? They're so close together...)  you can see from the missing eye and the burn mark on her foot (I'm so sorry Ember!) that she's been through a lot with me.

Encore Please!

Let's get them all in one place, eh? I know you've seen this before, but in the interest of organization and centralization, here's an encore :) 

(this video may take a few seconds to load.... or, if your connection sucks a** like the one at my work, it won't load at all. Sorry :P )

Antidisestablishmentarianism. There, now I've said it.

lol :)