best not mentioned

This post is rated ST - for Sailor Talk - and may offend some readers. 

Please exercise reader discretion :)

...

I was so very, very, VERY grumpy this morning. Nikoli woke me up at about 5 or so to ask if he should get dressed for school. I said no, go have some cereal first (I like for him to eat before he gets his school clothes on)... then I glanced at the time on my alarm clock, and cursed like a sailor mentally as I watched him leave the room.  Now let me tell you, Nikoli knows how to tell time, he knows what the morning routine is, he knows what time to get up and  what time breakfast is. He also knows that I don't know what time it is when I wake up. I'm too groggy. So, he asks me all kinds of things first thing in the morning.  Gets away with it a lot of the time too, the little bugger, 'cause I'm too tired to notice sometimes. 

Anyway, seeing the time, I went back to sleep, and promptly had an nightmare. Not the kind of nightmare that scares you, or wakes you up; the kind that dredges up old pain and hurt feelings and leaves you with a sour taste in your heart upon waking.  It put me in a foul mood. I tried to shake it off, but it stuck with me for the better part of the morning. I just hate that.

But I think it's my own fault that it stuck around so long.. 'cause, sometimes, I hate the idea of letting go... 'cause when I'm grumpy or angry, I feel like I should be. Like, there's a reason for it, and it's a valid one, so I should be angry, and you should too, dammit! But I know how unresonable that is - getting angry doesn't solve anything. Funnily enough, I think my dream was really about just that - somthing that I'm angry about, that I think everyone should be angry about, especially my family, but they're not, and no one else is... except me. 

You see, in my dream, I was in my family's house (but it wasn't their house, really - you know how dreams are) and I was sleeping in the room upstairs, but I could hear (and see? another weird dream thing) this guy in the downstairs living room talking loudly and being rude; and saying very crude and hurtful things to my Mom/Sisters. And no one was saying anything back, they just let him go on and on. And I got pissed off, lol, I was all like "Why isn't anyone saying anything to this as*? Seriously! I have to get out of bed for this sh*t?" And I went down there and told him to shut his f*ing mouth and get the H-E-double hockey sticks out of my house before I threw him out. He started to argue, and I was just like "NO. No! Don't you talk back to me! You think you can come in here and start spewing that CRAP and I'm just gonna sit here and listen to it!? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP UP THERE, man! Just who the H do you think you are, anyway? Get outta here." Then he was all like, well, fine then, I will, and I was like, Good. Go then, don't let the door hit your... you know. And then I went back upstairs and back to bed, where I promptly woke up. 

It makes me think of that Elephant that was in the room at my cousin's wedding. About what happened that spurred my estranged brother's recent and sudden desire to "make things right". About how my sister just couldn't stop talking last night about how he's all of a sudden getting married and what she read about him on Facebook, showing me his girlfriend and nattering on and on until I finally said "why you gotta keep talking to me about him?" with a puzzled and (i think) hurt look on my face - because she knows why I don't like to talk about him, at all - which finally stopped her. 'Cause though she knows, I really think she forgot. Like she really thought I wanted to hear about him... it's just so typical of how most of my family behaves. Argh. Families.  To me, letting go is like saying it's not important... I guess they all let go awhile ago, 'cause though they (say they) care, I can see they don't want it to matter anymore. Like .... argh! It just makes me more angry that they're not angry... I know that they do care, but it really feels like they don't. I can't explain it, it's not rational, but then what is rational about SA?

So, I'll be angry anyway.... but only for a little while. Then, it's time to put old burdens back on the shelf and move on with life for awhile; enjoy the moment again and again. 'Cause that's what it's all about, baby. I just wish it didn't take me so long to remember that each time. 

... and i kinda wish I could have a hug. No, not kinda. I just do.